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Perfect Marriage Adam & Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about how well his Mother cooked. > > Your friendly, neighborhood Jester |
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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache." Perfect, said her husband, I was just in the bathroom powdering my thingy with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you! |
A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?".. ... Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it." |
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Subject: Evil AppearancE One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in heir pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure aint," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years." |
Betty Crocker One day while a wife was working in the kitchen, her cupboard door fell off and when her husband got home, she asked him to fix it and he told her, "Do you see carpenter anywhere on this shirt?" She said no and he went on his way. The next day while she was cleaning in the basment, she went to turn on the light and it didn't work. She changed the lightbulb and did everything that she could but it still wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she asked him, "Honey, do you think you could fix the light in the basement for me?" He simply said, "Do you see electrician anywhere on this shirt!" She said no and he went into the living room to relax. The next day, the pipe in the kitchen started to leak and when her husband got home she asked him if he could fix it for her and he simply said, "No, do you see plumber anywhere on my shirt?" No, she said. When the husband returned from work the next day he saw that everything was fixed, the pipe, the light and even the cupboard. He asked her, who did you get to fix all of this? She told him that she asked the neighbor to come over and help her and he gladly said yes. "Well what did you give him for it?" he said. She told him that he only asked for sex -- or cookies. He asked, "So what kind of cookies did you bake him?" She smartly replied, "Sweetie, do you see Betty Crocker written anywhere on this shirt!" |
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Wife's Birthday Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How'd it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling -- I'll see you in two hours!" |
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom. The groom broom was aghast! 'How is this possible?'
he asked.
"We've never swept together! |
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Honeymoon A couple of newlyweds are having their honeymoon. They are very religious and have never even seen each other without all their clothes on. The woman slips into a sexy teddy as the man takes off his socks and shoes. His feet are stinky and nasty-looking with corns all over. "What's wrong with your toes?" his new wife says. "When I was younger I had tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" she asks. "No, tolio; It only affects the toes." He then takes off his pants. His knees are horribly misshapen. They are all knobby with bumps on them. "Your knees...what happened?" his wife inquires again. "I had kneesles when I was a kid." "Don't you mean measles?" No, kneesles; it only affects the knees." She watches him slowly slip off his boxers and then she frowns. "Let me guess: you also had smallcox." |
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Through good times and bad woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he finally awoke, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." |
Little Johnny in Math Class Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is 4," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third is sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking." |
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A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with technique. He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time. As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes to the bathroom. While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoebox and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed. As he walks across the room, he steps in it and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy yells out from the bathroom, "turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over". |
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went. Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon. |
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Wedding Dress A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?" "Because they're happy," the mom replied. Halfway through the wedding the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do men wear black?" |
There's bad news for those wanting a lapdance in New York, as the Supreme Court allowed the city to shut down most of its strip joints and peep shows... Mayor Giuliani defends this, saying: "If men want to rub their erections against women, they can just go back to riding the subway!" |
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Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock. now women say ooooooooooohhhhhhh, is that what happens?! lol |
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his male member. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know,if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother |
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(on David Letterman, week of 3/13): My parents were glad to see that my new husband looks like a 'regular guy'--no earring or anything. But really I think a man with an earring is better prepared for marriage. I mean, he's already experienced pain and bought jewelry." -- Rita Rudner |
Bob stood over his tee shot on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one", said Bob. "Good Lord", said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here." |
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A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said... I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the death Slide, The Screaming Loop the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go. She staggered out of the theme park five hrs later, her head spinning and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a double Big mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a theater to see Star wars- more hot dogs, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size" |
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep." the husband replied, "In-laws." |
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Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money. Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long. "Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grew wider and wider. "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." |
Home For The Holidays! An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?" |
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Reality In Marriage This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go into town, tease the barmaids and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..." "Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar.... you know... the frozen glass..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face"? She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres poochi pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc. "But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that..." The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie? SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN' MUG - EAT YOUR FUCKIN' SNACKS - YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE FUCKIN' BAR !!! GOT IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!" |
15 Pieces of Advice to Be Passed On To Your Daughters
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital 12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his. 15. Sadly, all men are created equal |
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Wonder
Pills
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that. About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." |
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life. She asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, "oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree". Horrified she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly". She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. Here", she said, "you must put it here". Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually managed to gasp, "what did you do that for"? Tarzan check for bees". |
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The preacher's wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!" Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers." |
